You Can Have It All, Kind-of

This week I've been attending the Xerox Rochester International Jazz Festival. It's a gigantic jazz-lover's party where 10s of thousands attend jazz performances scheduled all around downtown Rochester NY.  It's full of music interwoven with wine, beer, cocktails, and food. I enjoy all of it and that's what this blog is about.

Every evening I run into old acquaintances who haven't seen me since I lost 100 pounds. They ask me how I did it and often tell me their doctor has told them they need to lose weight. They reveal they aren't doing anything because they are unwilling to give up their enjoyment of social occasions. So let me dispel the myth that you can't enjoy your favorite social events, drinks and foods when you are losing weight or maintaining a healthy weight.

You can enjoy social events where food and wine flow but you have to be smart about it and you can't have it all. Here are the strategies I've tried and some of them actually work for me. I had to be much more rigorous when I was losing vs. now that I'm maintaining:
        Eat and drink with wild abandon and then abstain for the following few days/week (you know, salads, lean foods, careful portions -- this often ends up being my approach now that I'm maintaining, although my wild abandon now is different from my wild abandon when I was 100 pounds overweight. If I did this while I was losing, it would mean a week of no weight loss, which was discouraging.).
        Eat modestly that day anticipating how much you will allow yourself that evening, keeping it all in balance. (This is the best plan, but it rarely works for me, hand me that 2nd glass of wine and I'll drink it or pass the tray of snacks and I'll eat them).
        Ask a friend to remind you to think twice about eating that cookie/snack/beer. (I sometimes ask my husband to do this and then I growl at him when he reminds me -- it doesn't work for me.)
         Spend your time chatting with friends or listening to the music and abstain from the food and drink. (This works for me when I'm motivated to lose, I have to make sure I eat well before I go and I stay away from the food table. If I don't start eating I seem to do better than trying to just have a little. I also chew gum and hold a glass of water in my hand).

So here's the end to the story. Seven days ago I returned from Indiana with my usual 3-4 pound gain. I worked modestly all week to drop the pounds. Exercising 5/7 days and planning what I eat. I followed the food plan 5/7 days -- two were not so good! I attended the jazz festival and had 1-2 glasses of wine every evening. I ate festival foods one night. I ate late snacks when I got home one night. I WAS NOT PERFECT. My diet and exercise would not be written up in a journal as role model. Despite this, I lost the 4 pounds I had gained in Indiana. So the big lesson is NIP it in the bud and balance excess with moderation on a daily basis.

Good luck. You will feel better if you do something.

Keep Away!

I just returned from a visit home. Every time I go there I swear I will eat well and exercise but I don't. Old habits return, I'm busy, and temptation surrounds me. I usually return from a 1 week visit with 2 or 3 extra pounds.

My mother watched me eat another handful of chips (or cookies or bowl of ice cream) and wondered how I managed to take off so much weight eating like I do. I said I have a higher metabolism now, more muscle, and I don't eat like this at home. But is that all?


I realized that just because I return to Indiana my willpower doesn't fly out the window. I never had it! At least not enough to resist certain foods. My trainer wrote a blog about how no one has enough willpower to eat perfectly in all circumstances, you have to have strategies.

My successful strategy is 'keep away'. I've come to recognize my own long list of irresistible foods and I just don't bring them into the house. If they do sneak into the house I may eat a few and then I ask my husband to either finish them quickly or hide them. At a party, I avoid being near them.

I'll have to work on better strategies for my visits home, but until then, I just work hard after I return to take off those 2-3 pounds before they decide to stay.

Affirmations

I’ve noticed that it's easier to eat right and exercise when I’m kinder to myself in my head. Or maybe I’m kinder to myself when I eat better and exercise. Either way, thinking positive, self-affirming thoughts does help with weight loss and weight maintenance.

Very early on in my physical reformation, a life coach, Jacqui, (Light-r-u.com) suggested I create a visual representation of my goal and write some affirming statements about the future me.

I browsed the web for a regular-size dressy dress to wear to my son’s wedding in a year. It had all the characteristics of what I hadn’t been able to wear for the past 25 years. Form-fitting, attention-getting red, and sleeveless (I really hated my arms). The model stood tall with good posture. My husband digitally replaced the model’s head with a picture of my own and there I was – a vision of what I hoped to be in a year.

I took it a step further because my motivation wasn’t only to look good I wanted to feel good. I found a picture of a young girl running joyfully through a field and added it to the back of the woman in the dress. This is how I wanted to feel. Young, energetic, joyful, and pain-free.

Along side the pictures I wrote affirming statements about the future me. “I have good posture.” “My arms are firm and strong.” “I wear regular-size clothes.” “I am beautiful.” “I eat right and exercise.” On the back I wrote. “I am energetic.” “I am healthy.” “I can run and play.” “I am joyful.”

This picture moved around the house with me. Taped to the bathroom mirror, on my computer monitor, in my notebook. Over time I began to achieve my goals and I began to believe the statements. 

Sit down and visualize how you will be when you reach your goals. Cut a picture out of a magazine. Glue your face on it. Write your statements. Read them regularly. It does help.

By the way, the dress I wore to my son’s wedding was even better. It showed my knees too. A year earlier I couldn’t even imagine revealing my knees.

School's Out for the Summer! What's the Plan?

School's out for the summer! At least that's the way I feel. I've moved into summer mode, in fact, I've moved for the summer so my routine is disrupted. Dangerous and exciting at the same time.

I've got a lot to say today. Haven't been posting but I've been thinking. First off, I successfully completed another month of weight maintenance. Yay! Two down, approximately 360 more to go if I'm lucky enough to live into my late eighties. That's the intimidating part about lifetime weight maintenance for someone whose natural adult lifestyle was weight gain; the rest of my life could be a long time and there's a lot of room for slip-ups. I'm trying to look at it one day at a time. Here's the REALLY SCARY part, I took June, July, August off of boot camp. A great test of how well I can continue to apply the lessons of the past two years. YIKES!

You might be wondering, what's my plan? Eat and drink with wild abandon while skipping exercise? Tempting and possible, but it's not my plan.  Here's my plan based upon what worked the past two years.
(1) Exercise by 9 am every day -- continue to treat it like my part-time job
(2) Find exercise buddies. Two neighbors regularly exercise at a local college gym.
(3) Find ways to have fun and exercise. Some local trainers at a new gym have a 2x/week boot camp, I'll try it, maybe I"ll meet some new people. My favorite boot camp trainers, Jeremy and Sarah, will have four free boot camps at a park, I might take a drive and join them. And my neighbor wants to try Jeremy's 10 minute exercise routine with me and have us create a mini-bootcamp around it. I'll even put air in my bicycle tires.
(4) Plan and log my menus. This will be hard because as soon as I don't have to turn in my food logs I slack off.
(5) Stop in at the tall trainer a couple of times a month and weigh in. That adds some accountability.

So here's the essence of what works for me: Plan and routine -- these two make it happen; people and variety -- these two make it fun. The motivation is how good I feel having lost the weight and how much I don't want to return to the past. I have to remind myself of that several times a day.

Less Obsessed -- Good news, I think

I haven't been writing as much in my blog because I am feel more comfortable about maintaining my weight loss. It's been two months. I'm not sure that feeling comfortable is good, but it's a better way to live.  I have learned that a two pound weight fluctuation is normal for me. Any time I see two pounds approaching I reduce my calories and become very disciplined about planning and weighing my food. I'm still exercising hard every day and the pounds drop right off.

I've been thinking about the difference between working to lose weight and maintaining the weight loss. Besides the fact I can eat more calories, I think it's that I don't need to be as obsessed about what I eat. When I was losing weight, I had to be obsessed, because I was changing a lifetime of habits. I had to learn what was in foods, what was a well balanced diet, and I had to learn that every little bite counts. In fact, the smallest bites (candy, cake, ice cream) count the most. My digital scale was, and still is, my best weight-loss friend. I still need to plan and weigh food. But, I am a little more relaxed about it. I will go out to dinner to celebrate a major event. I have eaten a regular piece of bread. I doubt I can ever be as relaxed as someone who never had a weight problem. Maybe they aren't relaxed either, which is why they never had a weight problem.

I called this blog equilibrium because I am seeking that balance between obsession/panic and "normal" life. I don't want to become complacent and have the pounds creep back on. But I also don't want to make the central element of my life what I eat or don't eat. Still working on it.

Day 56 and counting.

Bad Girl

Hmmm. I was a bad girl this week. At least as far as eating goes. I ate junk and I didn't consistently log my food (junk does not log well in Vitabot). Just in a bit of a funk, disruption in my routine, and some stresses. I did get up and go to bootcamp every day so that was my salvation.

Times like this I have bad refrains about myself running in my head. "There you go, slipping back into bad habits." "Bad girl. I don't care." I have a very poor opinion of myself. I think I have poor self-discipline, no determination, no willpower. Realistically, I might have it, but it seems to have taken a vacation.

My daughter-in-law recently completed the first draft of her first book. I was so proud of her and I really admired her dedication to completing it. I mentioned to my husband how I wished I had such self-discipline and dedication. He said, "what do you call dieting for two years, losing 100 pounds, and exercising almost every day?"

I guess it's all perspective. Good thing I have loved ones and friends who can see a part of myself I don't see. Weeks like this I really need and appreciate them.

47 days and counting

Ravenous

The other day I missed one of my snacks and dinner was late. I was intensely hungry. So hungry my stomach hurt. I thought “I’m STARVING.” This feeling of intense hunger is a relatively new awareness. Then I remembered a news program where they interviewed children whose parents were laid off and no longer eligible for unemployment.

One 9-year-old boy talked about trying to sleep so he didn’t think about being hungry but he woke up every 5 minutes because his stomach hurt so much. Tears running down her face, another girl talked about her shame pulling food out of the cafeteria trash. These children were HUNGRY. Even though they were ashamed they were telling their stories so that other hungry children in America would know they were not alone. Now when my stomach rumbles I remember those children and realize I don’t know hunger.

Next time you really aren’t hungry but think you are, consider giving to help the 3 million American children who are hungry. 

Day 40 and still counting

Take That, You Fat Cells!

At least once a week the punching bag appears in our bootcamp circuit. I have never been interested in punching anyone or anything so I didn’t think I’d like the punching bag. I was wrong. It is very satisfying. Frustration disappears, ‘Whap! Wham!’ I decided I needed to visualize punching something in order to inspire faster and firmer punches. I settled on the image of my fat cells.

I suspect every person who has lost a lot of weight lives in fear of the reblossoming of their fat cells, I know I do. I’m sure they lie in wait, waiting for the day I lose willpower, when something in my life moves me backwards into my old bad habits. So I punch and squish my fat cells deep into oblivion, as deep as I can so they’ll have to really work to come back out. It feels great.

Day 39 and counting

I slipped but I'm up again

This past week wasn't a great eating week for me. I got lazy and casual about planning my day's meals, weighing and logging my food in Vitabot. No special reason. Maybe a little adolescent rebellion. 'I've hit my goal, I know how to eat well. I don't want to do this.' Maybe I was in a little funk for no reason other than I was (too much RAIN!). Maybe birthday and Easter celebrations got my internal nutrition mechanisms out of balance.

For whatever the reason, I ate a lot in a way that I knew I shouldn't. Leftover dark chocolate Easter eggs, unmeasured handfuls of healthy nut mixes, a bag of popcorn, extra fruit, yogurt, rich ice cream. Nothing spectacular, no huge binges. I don't have that problem, I nibble reasonable amounts until it's unreasonable. Anyway, I am frustrated with myself for slipping. The scale shows a 1 pound increase, probably real.

But this morning I got back on Vitabot, I weighed my breakfast, I planned part of the week's meals. It's a start, I feel like I can conquer this before it's a problem. I'm not beating myself up over it, everyone falls, it's getting up that matters. That's what's different from my past. 

I'm headed off to bootcamp now, that's also different.

Day 38 and still counting.

I'm hooked

I have a confession. I’ve developed a serious dependency. It’s to my trainers, Jeremy and Sarah (The Tall Trainers), and the exercise group they run.  I worked with Jeremy for two years to lose 100 pounds and become fit and healthy. First it was 2 private sessions a week. Then it was bootcamp 5 days a week with Jeremy, Sarah, and my bootcamp friends.  My addiction deepened with every day and every pound lost.

When I started with Jeremy, I thought I’d try one month. I’d learn some new exercise routines, develop new habits, and then go off on my own. Part of it was economic, part was pride, and a lot was ignorance. Why would I need hand holding for more than a kick-start?

Well, I quickly learned that this new fitness stuff was foreign to me. Yes, as a youth and young adult I was active and fit. But 30 years later this is a different body and a completely new experience. And, working with Jeremy was working.

I tried to break the dependence after one year. After all, one year should be long enough to change my own habits. I had made great progress and my goals were becoming my reality.  I sat with Jeremy and Sarah and described my plans for “after.” Joining a local gym, going the same time every day, keeping food journals, stopping by occasionally to weigh-in.  They were supportive and it made sense.  We said our farewells.

One month later I found a way to come back “for a while”. The gym was ok. But it wasn’t the same. At the Tall Trainer’s I was well known, not just my name, but also my story, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, how far I had come. At the Tall Trainer’s a personal yardstick measured my success and I felt good about it. When I sagged I was supported, when I was sluggish I was pushed, when I succeeded I was cheered. Friends surrounded me. At the gym I was older, at the high end of my healthy weight range, and I felt like a kid transferred to a new school in the middle of junior high.

Now I’ve reached my health and weight goals. I’ve thought about leaving, but I always decide it’s not time yet. I still have more work to do inside my head. I know how easily I could slip back into old ways. It would be a gentle slide. Maybe I’m just reluctant to change, to take risk. Maybe I do have the skills and determination to continue without my exercise support group, but I don’t believe I’m there yet. I’m afraid I’ll fail.  

Maybe it’s not a weakness; maybe I have made a leap in self-awareness.  I now know I need help and the support of friends. I also know good help and good friends are hard to find. For the first time in my life I look forward to exercise so why change what works?

Day 37 and counting.

Tips for Wine Lovers

In case there’s someone following this blog who actually hopes to get some useful information about weight-loss and weight maintenance, here’s one that might be helpful.

I live in New York Finger Lakes wine country and I love wine. In the warm months life slows down and the wine flows freely during the evenings when friends gather. It’s a nice way to live but from a weight-loss standpoint it is a nightmare. It’s set up perfectly to create a calorie-feasting meltdown. It’s social, lots of food around to nibble, and wine to release inhibitions about eating. So over the course of two years how did I manage to lose 100 pounds and still enjoy this environment? I had to develop some strategies to survive it. And here they are, in no particular order.

I slowly savor my wine and only drink the good stuff. This is the only food that I consume that I can do slowly.

I use a smaller wine glass and I drink a large glass of water between every glass of wine.

I eat an Atkins protein bar, drink a protein drink, or eat Greek Yogurt with fruit shortly before the socializing starts. Things with some fat content and protein work best for me. I used to avoid fat but my trainer convinced me it was part of why I had evening food cravings. She was right.

I eat lower calorie, higher fiber meals that day. Oatmeal and Greek yogurt for breakfast, Vegetable soup & salad with tuna for lunch are favorites. I don’t go hungry.

I bring my own low-calorie, high fiber, crunchy & filling snacks. 

I avoid my "trigger foods" like the plague. One bite and I'm sunk. (Peanut M&Ms, chips & salsa, salty nuts, cheese & crackers...)

I stay away from the snack table. If I’m sitting I slide the foods out of reach. I talk a lot and I chew gum (when I’m not drinking the wine).

I wear something form-fitting like slightly tight jeans and a belt. They remind me why I don’t go overboard and they make me uncomfortable when I do.

Good luck! Even when watching calories there’s room for enjoying favorite things like wine. 

34 Days (of maintaining since I met my goal) and counting.

Everyone Eats

I think a lot. My boss once said I was a “thinker.” I am not sure it was a compliment, but I consider it one.  Years ago I read an article where a woman wondered why she received a stronger ovation for having lost weight than for a major professional accomplishment. I read this when I was in complete denial about how I felt about being overweight, refusing to admit that it was an impediment to my career, that people treated me differently, that it sapped my energy. 

I often thought about that comment.  When I was overweight, I thought it strange, even unjust that a significant accomplishment was overshadowed by something as trivial as weight-loss. I was so unbalanced that for me mental ability completely overshadowed body. I had abandoned the physical because it seemed impossible to reclaim it.

Now that I’ve lost weight and celebrate it with friends and strangers alike, I recall the woman’s wonder at why so many applauded her weight loss, just as so many applaud mine and I think I know the answer. 

Fighting weight gain is almost universal where there is abundance.  Everyone eats, and eventually almost everyone fights a few pounds. Slim people, whether by nature or by hard work, celebrate the fact I’ve joined their club and want to know any secrets I might share to help them retain their membership. Fitness buffs celebrate the fact I have discovered the genuine joy of exercise, how good it feels in body, mind, and soul. People who are overweight celebrate the fact that someone has taken on the battle and won. They know how hard it is, we were in the same bad place, there is hope, it is possible. And people who lost weight 30 years ago pull the picture out of their wallet and show me their own conquest. They give me hope too. 

Day 27 and counting

Look at Me!

I seem to tell everyone I lost 100 pounds. Of course I tell friends and family who have been with me on this journey. But I also work it into conversations with store clerks, repairmen, new acquaintances, complete strangers – I can’t seem to stop myself.

Many gasp with disbelief – ‘You? You lost 100 pounds?’ (Thanks!) Most ask, “how did you do it?” But almost universally, they celebrate with me. ‘Good for you!’ ‘ You look great!’  Sometimes they clap.

When I think about it, I think I should be quiet about it. Why aren’t I ashamed that I needed to lose 100 pounds? That I let my body fall into such a sorry state of disrepair? Secretly, buried deep inside my sub-conscious, for 20 years I was ashamed. I denied how I felt about it. I even denied how I looked.

But it wasn’t a secret  to anyone that I was overweight, I couldn’t hide it, it was visible for all to see.  So having exposed my secret every day for 20 years, I want everyone to know what they can’t see. That I won a battle they didn’t know I fought, that I am a new person, someone who is visible. Whether it’s because I have freed my personality from trying to take up less space or whether I am now visible to people who used to make me feel invisible. I want to be seen. I have moved back into my body.  I’m home and I’m happy.

27 Days and Counting

Grandma’s Arms

I’ll bet we all have those “aha” moments when something from our past suddenly makes sense. Like the woman who told me she couldn’t stand to use a hair dryer because it triggered such severe hot flashes. Then I didn’t get it. Now I do.

When I look into the mirror I see my grandmother. Not because I look like her, but because my arms and neck do. My grandmother had a good but hard life. As a 7 year old orphan she was “taken-in” by a farm family so they had some household help, that was common then and they were good to her.  She did hard physical work there, then later as a dairy-farmer’s wife during the depression, and then again as a school cook after my grandfather was debilitated by heart disease. My grandma was short and kind-of stocky, but she was solid muscle and I thought she was beautiful. In her later years, when life granted her the luxury of less physical work, her muscle retreated and her arms became flabby.  She was probably my age now. I remember her looking into the mirror and telling me “take care of your neck and your arms or you’ll hate them later.” I was young and I didn’t get it. Now I do.

When I was overweight I covered my upper arms at all times, even when I was melting in the heat. Now, after two years of weight loss and exercise, from the correct angle my arms look a little sculpted. But if I hold them straight out from my body they hang. My neck is wrinkled. I dislike how they both look. I am registered to be an organ donor when I die and I’m sure I have enough skin to help more than one burn victim. I briefly considered plastic surgery but I can't see volunteering for surgery so I have convinced myself my arms are reminders of my past. A reminder of the perils of weight gain and a fond reminder of my grandma.

I hope there is a granddaughter in my future who thinks I’m beautiful and who heeds this advice coming across 4 generations – “take care of your neck and arms or you’ll regret it later.” Then I’ll wrap her warmly in my over-sized arms just like my grandma did.

Day 26 and counting.

P.S. I go sleeveless anyway. I’m tired of being hot.

 

Oh Happy Day!

I am never happier than when my family is gathered around me. Today was my new daughter-in-law's birthday and everyone gathered at my house to celebrate. We laughed, visited, and ATE.

One of our family's traditions is to fix a meal of the birthday person's choice and it seems my son married someone who likes some of my favorite foods. Yesterday I decided I was just going to enjoy the day and not be the family caloric wet blanket. Try not to overeat, but also not obsess. It was a great time. I did eat too much, but I'll make up for it tonight and tomorrow evening.

I didn't mention that it was my other son's birthday a week ago. He lives out of town and came for the weekend with his bride. So we will celebrate with his choice of homemade deep dish pizza -- tomorrow. We all agreed that we were too full from lunch to have pizza tonight.

I'm definitely going to have to work really hard at bootcamp on Monday. But I think this might be part of the secret of mastering the art of maintaining weight. To relax occasionally as long as I get right back into a routine. You know, equilibrium.

Day 26 and still counting

Whine Whine Whine

This was a crazy week, this entry was done yesterday, but I was so busy I didn't post it. An unusual number of happenings, none bad, but I also couldn't seem to get myself in gear so I was a little crazy too. I'm beginning to feel a funny about writing a blog. It seems rather self-centered. As a college friend is fond of saying, pointing to himself, "it's all about me!" But here I go again anyway.

So much of my life revolved and continues to revolve around food.  Family dinners, holidays, celebrations, vacations – happy times eating and drinking. I equate food with happiness in the good times and comfort in the bad.

Over the past two years I’ve worked to change my attitude about food.  I try to view it as fuel. Sometimes I’m even successful. I like science: Inputs, outputs, weights and measures.  My body and mind don’t always agree. And sometimes my mouth and hand take control. But generally, it works.

Many of my exercise friends have the same struggles. We try to make these new behaviors life changes, not “diets.” But no matter how you look at it. Limiting calories in order to lose weight is a diet.  I would wake early and lay in bed thinking about a new day and new calories to “spend.” I was like a housewife with a very small budget. I was a calorie miser. 

Now, having reached my goal, I just have a slightly larger budget. It’s scary to spend. Sometimes I over-reach and “oops” a pound creeps on. This isn’t fair. Why does it take a month of HARD dieting and exercise to lose two pounds, but a week of SLIGHTLY more food, not out of control binges, but a little here, a little there, HOW does it put on one or two pounds?  There’s no getting around it. I have to plan and measure my food every day.  But I don’t like it. Today I’m whining about it.

My Biological Fashion Clock

I went clothes shopping last night and it was fun. Two years ago I would not put fun and clothes shopping in the same sentence.

So far, my blog might have you thinking that I’m very high-minded about weight loss. It’s all for the fine benefits of health and fitness, no vanity involved at all. In the beginning, that was true. I did start dieting and exercising because I wanted to feel better. I never mentioned looking better in my goals because I didn’t think that was possible. I thought I’d missed that boat and I didn’t want to disappoint myself. This body had taken a lot of abuse, stretched out of shape for all those years. BUT, there’s good news….

One of the good things about losing weight and exercising so my body is toned is CLOTHES! Not dark, non-clingy, baggy, matronly, please-don’t-notice-me clothes, but bright, form-fitting, knee-revealing, leather boots, textured hose, almost-endless selection of clothes.

One year in my mid-forties I got confused about my age and for an entire year I thought I was a year older than I was. When my birthday came around and I recalculated I felt cheated. I had prematurely aged myself. So for the next year I subtracted a year from my age. That’s a how I feel about clothes. For 20+ years I didn’t have a lot of great choices and I prematurely aged myself.

One day on the 100 pound weight loss journey I reached the long-awaited transition from plus-sized to regular-sized clothes. What a glorious feeling it was until I stepped into Macy’s and scanned the acres of regular-sized clothing. I left. It was overwhelming. Not just what size do I wear and what will look good on me, or where do I start? But who am I? Am I young, old, sexy, modest, bright-colored, tailored, frilly, trendy, classic, fun, professional, reliable, comfortable, or edgy? All the things our clothing projects. And my answer is YES!!! I’m all those things.

So I started having fun. If it was on sale, fit and I liked it, I bought it. At first I sought everyone’s approval. Am I too old for this? Is it too tight? Does it show my best assets and hide my worst? Then, the heck with it, I’m broadcasting a new me to the world. I’m sure a fashion adviser would look at my closet and say “Nancy, your wardrobe is confused.” And I’d have to agree, because so am I. I am cramming 20 years worth of wardrobe and body image experimentation into one. So friends, please endure this phase, I’ve set back my biological fashion clock. After a year, if I’m really embarrassing myself, lovingly take me aside and suggest a few changes. But for now I’m loving it and it’s owed me.

24 days and still counting

I don’t wanna, but I’m gonna

Today was one of these days, it was a tough bootcamp (metabolic challenge day) and I really didn’t wanna do it. But more on that later.

My brother-in-law, Ken, was robbed of the ability to control his body from the moment he was born. I first met him when he was about 12 years old. I knew him until he died last fall at 49 years. In all that time, I never knew him to complain about what he couldn’t do, he got frustrated, but he didn’t seem to feel sorry for himself. I used to wonder how someone who couldn’t turn a page or talk became a lover of books and a fantastic speller; or how he gained a mature command of the English language while never being able to speak or write.  Or how he could do math. He learned to type, laboriously, about 2 letters a minute and use a thumb on an alphabet board and later a laser head pointer to spell out a message, writing notes or poetry, reminding us of what we’d forgotten. I even wondered how he made so many friends. Upon reflection, I realize that Ken didn’t think about what he couldn’t do, but did everything he could to the best of his ability.  He loved life.

Almost every bootcamp I hit a figurative wall. Sometimes it’s mental and it starts before I step through the door; sometimes it’s physical after I’ve gone all out and my trainer says there’s enough time for another round. I’m going to push myself harder from now on. I think I owe it to the Kens of the world to do the best I can.

23 Days and still counting

My Motivational Bookends

You’d think the benefits of exercise and maintaining a healthy weight would be enough motivation. We hear about the benefits and risks every day. But I think anyone who has successfully lost weight and kept it off has something else that makes it happen.  Experts say a health crisis like diabetes or a heart attack gives a short-term boost, but most people return to old habits. New research says that long term success is usually motivated by something positive, something that people want to be.

My Motivation has two bookends. My father and my son. Yes, I said I would lose weight and get healthy when I retired, but that has been on my “to do” list for a long time. So what was different this time?

I was always Daddy’s girl. My father was a great man. He was kind, generous, smart, hard-working. He could fix or build anything.  He is still alive, but the ravages of the double punch of diabetes and high blood pressure have stolen much of what he was. He had a serious of stokes, large and small, starting in his mid-70s.  At first I was motivated by not wanting my later years to be like his, but then I realized what I wanted was the early years of his retirement to last longer in my life. He and my mother enjoyed traveling and camping, walking in parks, visiting and playing with grandchildren.  Being able to do and enjoy things that were deferred while busy with work and raising children.

My son was in love, thinking about marriage and newly fit after his girlfriend introduced him to running. He told me one day that he wanted me to lose weight and exercise so that his future children would have a grandmother.

Those are my motivational bookends, my father and my son. I wanted the joys of being a healthy, fit, active grandmother and a healthy, fit, active wife and woman.  I keep that image in my mind. I can’t control everything about my future health, but I can (try to) control what I eat and whether or not I exercise. So that’s what I’m working hard to do.

(Day 22 and still counting) 

Those Pesky Weekends

Ok, I know I already posted today but I just came back from bootcamp and I am almost 2 pounds heavier today (Monday) than I was on Friday. And that's not unusual for a Monday. All I can say is g-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r. I didn't even do any crazy fun eating and drinking over the weekend.

A BIG part of me wants to yell "why can't I just have a weekend when I don't have to weigh everything?????" The righteous puritanical part says, "after two years, you'd think you'd figure this out, you need to stay on guard all the time, you deserve this" and the rational part of me says, "you know that you always eat more salt on the weekend, work-out less, and you always are bloated on Monday, so quit obsessing about it."  So, Sarah (my trainer) and I decided I would give myself a Monday weigh-in break. Maybe it will help. At least with my sanity. This maintaining vs. losing mentality and behaviour is going to take a while to figure out. That's it for now. Thanks for listening. I feel better.

Regrets and Hopes

How do I feel about losing 100 pounds?

I wish I had done it earlier. I wish I had never gained the weight. I wish I had been a better role model for my sons. I’m glad I lost the weight. I hope I keep the weight off. I hope my sons still learn from me. I hope my experience can make a difference in someone else’s life. I hope someone will be motivated to lose weight. I hope someone will be inspired never to gain weight.  I hope someone who hates to sweat will find out it’s sweet!

Lots of hope.

The End and the Beginning

Eagerly and reluctantly, I stepped on the scale as I had every weekday for almost two years, anxious about what I'd see. Butterflies tumbled in my stomach although I’d weighed myself at home less than an hour ago. But there it was – the number I had eagerly anticipated. MY GOAL WEIGHT! I had finally lost 100 pounds. March 22, 2011 it was OFFICIAL.

For weeks, daydreaming as I drove to my exercise bootcamp I thought about what I would do when I saw THE NUMBER. Dance around the studio. Turn cartwheels. Shout for joy. I entertained visions of confetti falling from the ceiling, the victory lap; I heard the roar of the crowd. Instead, I covered my mouth, took a deep breath in disbelief, looked a second time and quietly told my trainer “we did it.” Now I was really scared. I was no longer reaching for a goal, now I had to hold on to it. Tightly. For the rest of my life.

This is the beginning of my blog and my journey. Whether I can keep it up for the rest of my life is a good question about the blog and the weight maintenance.  This blog is a strategy for accountability. I also need an outlet so I don't drive my husband crazy talking about my angst. I don’t intend for the blog to be lifelong, I hope my husband is. Maybe someday weight maintenance will just be normal life, I will find my utopia. My own equilibrium. But right now I need to report to the ether. 

My new mileposts are not the exciting ones: breaking 200 pounds, stopping medications, wearing regular sized clothes; events rewarded by exclamations from acquaintances, compliments, my doctor’s happy dance. My new mileposts are ordinary  – today I managed to keep my weight in control.