I'm hooked

I have a confession. I’ve developed a serious dependency. It’s to my trainers, Jeremy and Sarah (The Tall Trainers), and the exercise group they run.  I worked with Jeremy for two years to lose 100 pounds and become fit and healthy. First it was 2 private sessions a week. Then it was bootcamp 5 days a week with Jeremy, Sarah, and my bootcamp friends.  My addiction deepened with every day and every pound lost.

When I started with Jeremy, I thought I’d try one month. I’d learn some new exercise routines, develop new habits, and then go off on my own. Part of it was economic, part was pride, and a lot was ignorance. Why would I need hand holding for more than a kick-start?

Well, I quickly learned that this new fitness stuff was foreign to me. Yes, as a youth and young adult I was active and fit. But 30 years later this is a different body and a completely new experience. And, working with Jeremy was working.

I tried to break the dependence after one year. After all, one year should be long enough to change my own habits. I had made great progress and my goals were becoming my reality.  I sat with Jeremy and Sarah and described my plans for “after.” Joining a local gym, going the same time every day, keeping food journals, stopping by occasionally to weigh-in.  They were supportive and it made sense.  We said our farewells.

One month later I found a way to come back “for a while”. The gym was ok. But it wasn’t the same. At the Tall Trainer’s I was well known, not just my name, but also my story, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, how far I had come. At the Tall Trainer’s a personal yardstick measured my success and I felt good about it. When I sagged I was supported, when I was sluggish I was pushed, when I succeeded I was cheered. Friends surrounded me. At the gym I was older, at the high end of my healthy weight range, and I felt like a kid transferred to a new school in the middle of junior high.

Now I’ve reached my health and weight goals. I’ve thought about leaving, but I always decide it’s not time yet. I still have more work to do inside my head. I know how easily I could slip back into old ways. It would be a gentle slide. Maybe I’m just reluctant to change, to take risk. Maybe I do have the skills and determination to continue without my exercise support group, but I don’t believe I’m there yet. I’m afraid I’ll fail.  

Maybe it’s not a weakness; maybe I have made a leap in self-awareness.  I now know I need help and the support of friends. I also know good help and good friends are hard to find. For the first time in my life I look forward to exercise so why change what works?

Day 37 and counting.