Ravenous

The other day I missed one of my snacks and dinner was late. I was intensely hungry. So hungry my stomach hurt. I thought “I’m STARVING.” This feeling of intense hunger is a relatively new awareness. Then I remembered a news program where they interviewed children whose parents were laid off and no longer eligible for unemployment.

One 9-year-old boy talked about trying to sleep so he didn’t think about being hungry but he woke up every 5 minutes because his stomach hurt so much. Tears running down her face, another girl talked about her shame pulling food out of the cafeteria trash. These children were HUNGRY. Even though they were ashamed they were telling their stories so that other hungry children in America would know they were not alone. Now when my stomach rumbles I remember those children and realize I don’t know hunger.

Next time you really aren’t hungry but think you are, consider giving to help the 3 million American children who are hungry. 

Day 40 and still counting

Take That, You Fat Cells!

At least once a week the punching bag appears in our bootcamp circuit. I have never been interested in punching anyone or anything so I didn’t think I’d like the punching bag. I was wrong. It is very satisfying. Frustration disappears, ‘Whap! Wham!’ I decided I needed to visualize punching something in order to inspire faster and firmer punches. I settled on the image of my fat cells.

I suspect every person who has lost a lot of weight lives in fear of the reblossoming of their fat cells, I know I do. I’m sure they lie in wait, waiting for the day I lose willpower, when something in my life moves me backwards into my old bad habits. So I punch and squish my fat cells deep into oblivion, as deep as I can so they’ll have to really work to come back out. It feels great.

Day 39 and counting

I slipped but I'm up again

This past week wasn't a great eating week for me. I got lazy and casual about planning my day's meals, weighing and logging my food in Vitabot. No special reason. Maybe a little adolescent rebellion. 'I've hit my goal, I know how to eat well. I don't want to do this.' Maybe I was in a little funk for no reason other than I was (too much RAIN!). Maybe birthday and Easter celebrations got my internal nutrition mechanisms out of balance.

For whatever the reason, I ate a lot in a way that I knew I shouldn't. Leftover dark chocolate Easter eggs, unmeasured handfuls of healthy nut mixes, a bag of popcorn, extra fruit, yogurt, rich ice cream. Nothing spectacular, no huge binges. I don't have that problem, I nibble reasonable amounts until it's unreasonable. Anyway, I am frustrated with myself for slipping. The scale shows a 1 pound increase, probably real.

But this morning I got back on Vitabot, I weighed my breakfast, I planned part of the week's meals. It's a start, I feel like I can conquer this before it's a problem. I'm not beating myself up over it, everyone falls, it's getting up that matters. That's what's different from my past. 

I'm headed off to bootcamp now, that's also different.

Day 38 and still counting.

I'm hooked

I have a confession. I’ve developed a serious dependency. It’s to my trainers, Jeremy and Sarah (The Tall Trainers), and the exercise group they run.  I worked with Jeremy for two years to lose 100 pounds and become fit and healthy. First it was 2 private sessions a week. Then it was bootcamp 5 days a week with Jeremy, Sarah, and my bootcamp friends.  My addiction deepened with every day and every pound lost.

When I started with Jeremy, I thought I’d try one month. I’d learn some new exercise routines, develop new habits, and then go off on my own. Part of it was economic, part was pride, and a lot was ignorance. Why would I need hand holding for more than a kick-start?

Well, I quickly learned that this new fitness stuff was foreign to me. Yes, as a youth and young adult I was active and fit. But 30 years later this is a different body and a completely new experience. And, working with Jeremy was working.

I tried to break the dependence after one year. After all, one year should be long enough to change my own habits. I had made great progress and my goals were becoming my reality.  I sat with Jeremy and Sarah and described my plans for “after.” Joining a local gym, going the same time every day, keeping food journals, stopping by occasionally to weigh-in.  They were supportive and it made sense.  We said our farewells.

One month later I found a way to come back “for a while”. The gym was ok. But it wasn’t the same. At the Tall Trainer’s I was well known, not just my name, but also my story, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, how far I had come. At the Tall Trainer’s a personal yardstick measured my success and I felt good about it. When I sagged I was supported, when I was sluggish I was pushed, when I succeeded I was cheered. Friends surrounded me. At the gym I was older, at the high end of my healthy weight range, and I felt like a kid transferred to a new school in the middle of junior high.

Now I’ve reached my health and weight goals. I’ve thought about leaving, but I always decide it’s not time yet. I still have more work to do inside my head. I know how easily I could slip back into old ways. It would be a gentle slide. Maybe I’m just reluctant to change, to take risk. Maybe I do have the skills and determination to continue without my exercise support group, but I don’t believe I’m there yet. I’m afraid I’ll fail.  

Maybe it’s not a weakness; maybe I have made a leap in self-awareness.  I now know I need help and the support of friends. I also know good help and good friends are hard to find. For the first time in my life I look forward to exercise so why change what works?

Day 37 and counting.

Tips for Wine Lovers

In case there’s someone following this blog who actually hopes to get some useful information about weight-loss and weight maintenance, here’s one that might be helpful.

I live in New York Finger Lakes wine country and I love wine. In the warm months life slows down and the wine flows freely during the evenings when friends gather. It’s a nice way to live but from a weight-loss standpoint it is a nightmare. It’s set up perfectly to create a calorie-feasting meltdown. It’s social, lots of food around to nibble, and wine to release inhibitions about eating. So over the course of two years how did I manage to lose 100 pounds and still enjoy this environment? I had to develop some strategies to survive it. And here they are, in no particular order.

I slowly savor my wine and only drink the good stuff. This is the only food that I consume that I can do slowly.

I use a smaller wine glass and I drink a large glass of water between every glass of wine.

I eat an Atkins protein bar, drink a protein drink, or eat Greek Yogurt with fruit shortly before the socializing starts. Things with some fat content and protein work best for me. I used to avoid fat but my trainer convinced me it was part of why I had evening food cravings. She was right.

I eat lower calorie, higher fiber meals that day. Oatmeal and Greek yogurt for breakfast, Vegetable soup & salad with tuna for lunch are favorites. I don’t go hungry.

I bring my own low-calorie, high fiber, crunchy & filling snacks. 

I avoid my "trigger foods" like the plague. One bite and I'm sunk. (Peanut M&Ms, chips & salsa, salty nuts, cheese & crackers...)

I stay away from the snack table. If I’m sitting I slide the foods out of reach. I talk a lot and I chew gum (when I’m not drinking the wine).

I wear something form-fitting like slightly tight jeans and a belt. They remind me why I don’t go overboard and they make me uncomfortable when I do.

Good luck! Even when watching calories there’s room for enjoying favorite things like wine. 

34 Days (of maintaining since I met my goal) and counting.

Everyone Eats

I think a lot. My boss once said I was a “thinker.” I am not sure it was a compliment, but I consider it one.  Years ago I read an article where a woman wondered why she received a stronger ovation for having lost weight than for a major professional accomplishment. I read this when I was in complete denial about how I felt about being overweight, refusing to admit that it was an impediment to my career, that people treated me differently, that it sapped my energy. 

I often thought about that comment.  When I was overweight, I thought it strange, even unjust that a significant accomplishment was overshadowed by something as trivial as weight-loss. I was so unbalanced that for me mental ability completely overshadowed body. I had abandoned the physical because it seemed impossible to reclaim it.

Now that I’ve lost weight and celebrate it with friends and strangers alike, I recall the woman’s wonder at why so many applauded her weight loss, just as so many applaud mine and I think I know the answer. 

Fighting weight gain is almost universal where there is abundance.  Everyone eats, and eventually almost everyone fights a few pounds. Slim people, whether by nature or by hard work, celebrate the fact I’ve joined their club and want to know any secrets I might share to help them retain their membership. Fitness buffs celebrate the fact I have discovered the genuine joy of exercise, how good it feels in body, mind, and soul. People who are overweight celebrate the fact that someone has taken on the battle and won. They know how hard it is, we were in the same bad place, there is hope, it is possible. And people who lost weight 30 years ago pull the picture out of their wallet and show me their own conquest. They give me hope too. 

Day 27 and counting

Look at Me!

I seem to tell everyone I lost 100 pounds. Of course I tell friends and family who have been with me on this journey. But I also work it into conversations with store clerks, repairmen, new acquaintances, complete strangers – I can’t seem to stop myself.

Many gasp with disbelief – ‘You? You lost 100 pounds?’ (Thanks!) Most ask, “how did you do it?” But almost universally, they celebrate with me. ‘Good for you!’ ‘ You look great!’  Sometimes they clap.

When I think about it, I think I should be quiet about it. Why aren’t I ashamed that I needed to lose 100 pounds? That I let my body fall into such a sorry state of disrepair? Secretly, buried deep inside my sub-conscious, for 20 years I was ashamed. I denied how I felt about it. I even denied how I looked.

But it wasn’t a secret  to anyone that I was overweight, I couldn’t hide it, it was visible for all to see.  So having exposed my secret every day for 20 years, I want everyone to know what they can’t see. That I won a battle they didn’t know I fought, that I am a new person, someone who is visible. Whether it’s because I have freed my personality from trying to take up less space or whether I am now visible to people who used to make me feel invisible. I want to be seen. I have moved back into my body.  I’m home and I’m happy.

27 Days and Counting