School's Out for the Summer! What's the Plan?

School's out for the summer! At least that's the way I feel. I've moved into summer mode, in fact, I've moved for the summer so my routine is disrupted. Dangerous and exciting at the same time.

I've got a lot to say today. Haven't been posting but I've been thinking. First off, I successfully completed another month of weight maintenance. Yay! Two down, approximately 360 more to go if I'm lucky enough to live into my late eighties. That's the intimidating part about lifetime weight maintenance for someone whose natural adult lifestyle was weight gain; the rest of my life could be a long time and there's a lot of room for slip-ups. I'm trying to look at it one day at a time. Here's the REALLY SCARY part, I took June, July, August off of boot camp. A great test of how well I can continue to apply the lessons of the past two years. YIKES!

You might be wondering, what's my plan? Eat and drink with wild abandon while skipping exercise? Tempting and possible, but it's not my plan.  Here's my plan based upon what worked the past two years.
(1) Exercise by 9 am every day -- continue to treat it like my part-time job
(2) Find exercise buddies. Two neighbors regularly exercise at a local college gym.
(3) Find ways to have fun and exercise. Some local trainers at a new gym have a 2x/week boot camp, I'll try it, maybe I"ll meet some new people. My favorite boot camp trainers, Jeremy and Sarah, will have four free boot camps at a park, I might take a drive and join them. And my neighbor wants to try Jeremy's 10 minute exercise routine with me and have us create a mini-bootcamp around it. I'll even put air in my bicycle tires.
(4) Plan and log my menus. This will be hard because as soon as I don't have to turn in my food logs I slack off.
(5) Stop in at the tall trainer a couple of times a month and weigh in. That adds some accountability.

So here's the essence of what works for me: Plan and routine -- these two make it happen; people and variety -- these two make it fun. The motivation is how good I feel having lost the weight and how much I don't want to return to the past. I have to remind myself of that several times a day.

Less Obsessed -- Good news, I think

I haven't been writing as much in my blog because I am feel more comfortable about maintaining my weight loss. It's been two months. I'm not sure that feeling comfortable is good, but it's a better way to live.  I have learned that a two pound weight fluctuation is normal for me. Any time I see two pounds approaching I reduce my calories and become very disciplined about planning and weighing my food. I'm still exercising hard every day and the pounds drop right off.

I've been thinking about the difference between working to lose weight and maintaining the weight loss. Besides the fact I can eat more calories, I think it's that I don't need to be as obsessed about what I eat. When I was losing weight, I had to be obsessed, because I was changing a lifetime of habits. I had to learn what was in foods, what was a well balanced diet, and I had to learn that every little bite counts. In fact, the smallest bites (candy, cake, ice cream) count the most. My digital scale was, and still is, my best weight-loss friend. I still need to plan and weigh food. But, I am a little more relaxed about it. I will go out to dinner to celebrate a major event. I have eaten a regular piece of bread. I doubt I can ever be as relaxed as someone who never had a weight problem. Maybe they aren't relaxed either, which is why they never had a weight problem.

I called this blog equilibrium because I am seeking that balance between obsession/panic and "normal" life. I don't want to become complacent and have the pounds creep back on. But I also don't want to make the central element of my life what I eat or don't eat. Still working on it.

Day 56 and counting.

Bad Girl

Hmmm. I was a bad girl this week. At least as far as eating goes. I ate junk and I didn't consistently log my food (junk does not log well in Vitabot). Just in a bit of a funk, disruption in my routine, and some stresses. I did get up and go to bootcamp every day so that was my salvation.

Times like this I have bad refrains about myself running in my head. "There you go, slipping back into bad habits." "Bad girl. I don't care." I have a very poor opinion of myself. I think I have poor self-discipline, no determination, no willpower. Realistically, I might have it, but it seems to have taken a vacation.

My daughter-in-law recently completed the first draft of her first book. I was so proud of her and I really admired her dedication to completing it. I mentioned to my husband how I wished I had such self-discipline and dedication. He said, "what do you call dieting for two years, losing 100 pounds, and exercising almost every day?"

I guess it's all perspective. Good thing I have loved ones and friends who can see a part of myself I don't see. Weeks like this I really need and appreciate them.

47 days and counting

Ravenous

The other day I missed one of my snacks and dinner was late. I was intensely hungry. So hungry my stomach hurt. I thought “I’m STARVING.” This feeling of intense hunger is a relatively new awareness. Then I remembered a news program where they interviewed children whose parents were laid off and no longer eligible for unemployment.

One 9-year-old boy talked about trying to sleep so he didn’t think about being hungry but he woke up every 5 minutes because his stomach hurt so much. Tears running down her face, another girl talked about her shame pulling food out of the cafeteria trash. These children were HUNGRY. Even though they were ashamed they were telling their stories so that other hungry children in America would know they were not alone. Now when my stomach rumbles I remember those children and realize I don’t know hunger.

Next time you really aren’t hungry but think you are, consider giving to help the 3 million American children who are hungry. 

Day 40 and still counting

Take That, You Fat Cells!

At least once a week the punching bag appears in our bootcamp circuit. I have never been interested in punching anyone or anything so I didn’t think I’d like the punching bag. I was wrong. It is very satisfying. Frustration disappears, ‘Whap! Wham!’ I decided I needed to visualize punching something in order to inspire faster and firmer punches. I settled on the image of my fat cells.

I suspect every person who has lost a lot of weight lives in fear of the reblossoming of their fat cells, I know I do. I’m sure they lie in wait, waiting for the day I lose willpower, when something in my life moves me backwards into my old bad habits. So I punch and squish my fat cells deep into oblivion, as deep as I can so they’ll have to really work to come back out. It feels great.

Day 39 and counting

I slipped but I'm up again

This past week wasn't a great eating week for me. I got lazy and casual about planning my day's meals, weighing and logging my food in Vitabot. No special reason. Maybe a little adolescent rebellion. 'I've hit my goal, I know how to eat well. I don't want to do this.' Maybe I was in a little funk for no reason other than I was (too much RAIN!). Maybe birthday and Easter celebrations got my internal nutrition mechanisms out of balance.

For whatever the reason, I ate a lot in a way that I knew I shouldn't. Leftover dark chocolate Easter eggs, unmeasured handfuls of healthy nut mixes, a bag of popcorn, extra fruit, yogurt, rich ice cream. Nothing spectacular, no huge binges. I don't have that problem, I nibble reasonable amounts until it's unreasonable. Anyway, I am frustrated with myself for slipping. The scale shows a 1 pound increase, probably real.

But this morning I got back on Vitabot, I weighed my breakfast, I planned part of the week's meals. It's a start, I feel like I can conquer this before it's a problem. I'm not beating myself up over it, everyone falls, it's getting up that matters. That's what's different from my past. 

I'm headed off to bootcamp now, that's also different.

Day 38 and still counting.

I'm hooked

I have a confession. I’ve developed a serious dependency. It’s to my trainers, Jeremy and Sarah (The Tall Trainers), and the exercise group they run.  I worked with Jeremy for two years to lose 100 pounds and become fit and healthy. First it was 2 private sessions a week. Then it was bootcamp 5 days a week with Jeremy, Sarah, and my bootcamp friends.  My addiction deepened with every day and every pound lost.

When I started with Jeremy, I thought I’d try one month. I’d learn some new exercise routines, develop new habits, and then go off on my own. Part of it was economic, part was pride, and a lot was ignorance. Why would I need hand holding for more than a kick-start?

Well, I quickly learned that this new fitness stuff was foreign to me. Yes, as a youth and young adult I was active and fit. But 30 years later this is a different body and a completely new experience. And, working with Jeremy was working.

I tried to break the dependence after one year. After all, one year should be long enough to change my own habits. I had made great progress and my goals were becoming my reality.  I sat with Jeremy and Sarah and described my plans for “after.” Joining a local gym, going the same time every day, keeping food journals, stopping by occasionally to weigh-in.  They were supportive and it made sense.  We said our farewells.

One month later I found a way to come back “for a while”. The gym was ok. But it wasn’t the same. At the Tall Trainer’s I was well known, not just my name, but also my story, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, how far I had come. At the Tall Trainer’s a personal yardstick measured my success and I felt good about it. When I sagged I was supported, when I was sluggish I was pushed, when I succeeded I was cheered. Friends surrounded me. At the gym I was older, at the high end of my healthy weight range, and I felt like a kid transferred to a new school in the middle of junior high.

Now I’ve reached my health and weight goals. I’ve thought about leaving, but I always decide it’s not time yet. I still have more work to do inside my head. I know how easily I could slip back into old ways. It would be a gentle slide. Maybe I’m just reluctant to change, to take risk. Maybe I do have the skills and determination to continue without my exercise support group, but I don’t believe I’m there yet. I’m afraid I’ll fail.  

Maybe it’s not a weakness; maybe I have made a leap in self-awareness.  I now know I need help and the support of friends. I also know good help and good friends are hard to find. For the first time in my life I look forward to exercise so why change what works?

Day 37 and counting.